Recent thoughts about my body

 My whole life, but especially after having Abby, I have struggled with some body image issues. I've never been diagnosed with body dysmorphia or anything like that, but there have been very few times I've looked in the mirror and been happy with the body I saw reflected back at me. Either my tummy was too big, or my shoulders too broad, or my cellulite on the backs of my thighs is too disgusting... you get the picture. 

I was working out the other day in my living room. I was wearing short shorts because it was laundry day and my leggings were dirty. I decided to skip the shirt because I hate folding clothes, and I was the only one home (except Abby, but she was asleep.) I turned on my workout and started the warm up, and it felt so good. I love workouts that get my heart pumping fast, and make it hard not to smile! It makes me feel so alive. I was also loving the coolness of the fan blowing on me. I was rocking it. 

Then we got to a part where we had to do some jumping jacks. We did 4, then turned to the left. Then 4 more, and turned to the left again, until we had made a full circle. I was smiling my head off, doing the jumping jacks like a champ, and then I turned around and saw myself in the giant mirror we have hanging on our wall. 

Immediately my eyes went to all the jiggly spots. There were many. I stopped jumping and just looked at myself. In that instant, I went from feeling happy and on top of the world, to feeling completely ashamed of my body.

I stood there for a minute, and then a thought hit me like a ton of bricks: "So what?" So what if I'm jiggly? So what if I have stretch marks all over my tummy? WHO CARES? I thought about it for a while, and then decided nobody does. Nobody except me. 

But why do I care so much? I've decided it's at least in part because of what I think other people think about me when they see me. Do they see me and think, "Woah, her buns are huge"? Or, "She has man shoulders!"? I don't think anyone thinks those things. And even if they do, who cares? 

I have been thinking about that a lot lately, and while I definitely still have things about my body I'd like to change, I also feel so, so grateful. 

• My feet have supported me my whole life, walking miles upon miles in Brazil in terrible shoes. They never gave out, and they never even really hurt that bad (other than just normal aching.) That is such a huge blessing.
• My legs have carried me through so many half marathons, hikes, and walks. Those things bring me such huge amounts of joy.
• My hips are wide enough that I was able to give birth to Abigail the way I wanted to. That was hands down the most amazing and humbling experience of my life. 
• My tummy stretched out because I literally grew a tiny, perfect human inside of me. It stretched to accommodate Abby and still keep me alive. What a miracle.
• My back holds me upright every single day, pretty much without complaint. Do you know how many people suffer from chronic back pain? A lot. I am so grateful I don't have to deal with that. It is such a blessing.
• My arms and shoulders are strong, and have helped me to hoist up a growing baby over and over and over again. They have lifted heavy things and rendered service to other people. I am grateful for them. 

So even though I may never look like an Instagram fitness model, I can still be healthy. I can be strong. I can be happy. I can feel worthy. Because my body has done some incredible things, and it ain't stoppin' any time soon.