Recent thoughts about my body

 My whole life, but especially after having Abby, I have struggled with some body image issues. I've never been diagnosed with body dysmorphia or anything like that, but there have been very few times I've looked in the mirror and been happy with the body I saw reflected back at me. Either my tummy was too big, or my shoulders too broad, or my cellulite on the backs of my thighs is too disgusting... you get the picture. 

I was working out the other day in my living room. I was wearing short shorts because it was laundry day and my leggings were dirty. I decided to skip the shirt because I hate folding clothes, and I was the only one home (except Abby, but she was asleep.) I turned on my workout and started the warm up, and it felt so good. I love workouts that get my heart pumping fast, and make it hard not to smile! It makes me feel so alive. I was also loving the coolness of the fan blowing on me. I was rocking it. 

Then we got to a part where we had to do some jumping jacks. We did 4, then turned to the left. Then 4 more, and turned to the left again, until we had made a full circle. I was smiling my head off, doing the jumping jacks like a champ, and then I turned around and saw myself in the giant mirror we have hanging on our wall. 

Immediately my eyes went to all the jiggly spots. There were many. I stopped jumping and just looked at myself. In that instant, I went from feeling happy and on top of the world, to feeling completely ashamed of my body.

I stood there for a minute, and then a thought hit me like a ton of bricks: "So what?" So what if I'm jiggly? So what if I have stretch marks all over my tummy? WHO CARES? I thought about it for a while, and then decided nobody does. Nobody except me. 

But why do I care so much? I've decided it's at least in part because of what I think other people think about me when they see me. Do they see me and think, "Woah, her buns are huge"? Or, "She has man shoulders!"? I don't think anyone thinks those things. And even if they do, who cares? 

I have been thinking about that a lot lately, and while I definitely still have things about my body I'd like to change, I also feel so, so grateful. 

• My feet have supported me my whole life, walking miles upon miles in Brazil in terrible shoes. They never gave out, and they never even really hurt that bad (other than just normal aching.) That is such a huge blessing.
• My legs have carried me through so many half marathons, hikes, and walks. Those things bring me such huge amounts of joy.
• My hips are wide enough that I was able to give birth to Abigail the way I wanted to. That was hands down the most amazing and humbling experience of my life. 
• My tummy stretched out because I literally grew a tiny, perfect human inside of me. It stretched to accommodate Abby and still keep me alive. What a miracle.
• My back holds me upright every single day, pretty much without complaint. Do you know how many people suffer from chronic back pain? A lot. I am so grateful I don't have to deal with that. It is such a blessing.
• My arms and shoulders are strong, and have helped me to hoist up a growing baby over and over and over again. They have lifted heavy things and rendered service to other people. I am grateful for them. 

So even though I may never look like an Instagram fitness model, I can still be healthy. I can be strong. I can be happy. I can feel worthy. Because my body has done some incredible things, and it ain't stoppin' any time soon. 

Abigail Elise: A Birth Story

Let me start off by saying, by about week 37 of pregnancy, I was SO ready to be done. Everything was just so uncomfortable. Sitting, standing, laying down, driving, walking... you name it, it made something hurt. I started walking in the cemetery close to our house to get some exercise, and by the time I was 38 weeks pregnant I'm pretty sure there were slugs on the ground moving faster than me! I never thought I would be one of the women who says things like "I just want to be done with this pregnancy!" because I figured I would always be too terrified of labor, but I definitely got to that point! I guess that's why we have to be pregnant for 9 months. The 9th month is just to make the mom ready for the end. I was also feeling pretty discouraged because I was planning on our little bundle of joy getting here late because she's my first baby. I had even asked the doctor if he thought there was any way she'd come early (because I was dilated to a 1 and a 1.5 at my last couple of appointments) and they both said probably not. It just started to feel like I was going to be pregnant forever.

Trying out our new stroller on Feb 2.

The night of February 7, 2020, Mason and I went to Zaxby's to celebrate making it to the end of the week. I got a club sandwich and it was delicious. We ate and it was great, and one of us remarked that this might be the last time we go out to eat before we had a baby! It was exciting but also very surreal and almost impossible to imagine.

That night we went to bed, and around midnight I got up to go potty and I lost my mucus plug (GROSS, btw). I went back to bed and started googling what it meant, and I read that I could either go into labor in a few hours or it could be as long as a few weeks! 

Then I started to have some serious lower back pain,which happened all the time at the end of my pregnancy. I laid in bed trying to fall asleep for what seemed like forever, but it got to the point that I had to get up and move around. I walked around, did some stretches, and got on my knees and hugged the exercise ball. Around 2:15 am, I went back to bed. My back was still hurting, but it was a little better. 

Then at 3:15 am, I started feeling like there was a GIANT knife in my pelvis. It hurt. The baby started moving like crazy! Then the stabbing feelings became more rhythmic, and I started to wonder if I could be in labor. I decided there was no way, because everyone had told me that first time moms always think they're in labor, so they go to the hospital and they usually aren't and they get sent home. 

At 4 am, I went to the potty again and decided to wake Mason up. I told him I thought I might be having contractions. He was very sleepy but also super excited. We decided we should probably start some laundry in case we needed to go to the hospital later that day. We would have plenty of time, because this was my first baby and they always take forever to come, right? Plus, there was no way she'd be 5 days early, because first babies are usually late, right?

So we started the laundry and started watching an episode of Community and trying to time my contractions. We didn't get all the way through the episode before I asked Mason to give me a blessing. I was hurting pretty bad, and I wanted some comfort before it got much farther along. Mason gave me and blessing that was short and sweet, and exactly what I needed. He said I would be able to be calm as we got closer to meeting our baby, and that I would have the mental strength to have this baby the way I wanted to.

After that, I called Mom. I tried to tell her what had been going on, but in my exhausted state I think I accidentally told her that my contractions had only been coming for about an hour. I told her about how it felt like a knife in my tummy and she said to try to back to bed, and not to freak out. So I went back to bed, and tried my best to relax. After a while of laying there, I was about to drift off to sleep, when all of a sudden my water broke! I said MASON MY WATER BROKE and he rushed in and we both started freaking out. I started shaking like crazy and he helped me get up and calm down and breathe. Then he started flying around like crazy throwing random things into a suitcase to go to the  hospital. (We ended up not using hardly ANYTHING we packed. We brought tons of clothes for me, and tons of clothes for Abby, and no clothes for Mason. And we brought like 100 diapers and wipes. And we forgot things like shampoo and soap. And we also forgot my wallet.) What's that you say, we should have packed our hospital bag earlier? Well, we thought she would be late! It never crossed our minds that she would actually be early!!!

I called Mom again and she told me to hurry out the door! The baby was already suuuuper low by this point, so standing up was a painful challenge, let alone putting on a new pair of pants! But I managed to have a different pair of sweatpants on by the time Mason finished packing the bag, and then we threw the bag in the car and he helped me walk very slowly to the car and get in. I'm not kidding when I say she was so low I thought she might just come out in the car. It was crazy! Luckily, after my water broke I didn't have any more contractions until we got to the hospital (about a 15 minute drive).

We got to the hospital and Mason was going to let me out close to the door. I opened the car door, got one leg out, and then had the biggest contraction yet! I couldn't move! And then a car pulled up behind  us and was waiting for us to get out of the way! It was so stressful! Finally I just pulled my leg back into the car and told Mason to go, and we drove out of the guy's way with my car door still open (I had to sit up pretty far to be able to close the door, and that just wasn't going to happen.) Then we had to park like 100 miles away. Mason helped me to walk to the door at a snail's pace. Then we got into the hospital and I thought someone would run up to me with a wheelchair or something, and say something like, "Make way! This lady's having a baby!" as he rushed me through a bunch of hallways with double doors and whatnot. That didn't happen. Instead I had to continue to walk all the way up to the labor and delivery place, which was another 100 miles away and took foreverrrrr.

Finally we got there around 8:00 am and we got all admitted and everything and I got in my gown and they said they would check to see if my water had actually broken. All the nurses that helped me were SO nice. When one of them checked to see if my water was really broken, a TON more fluid came out and got everywhere and was so gross. Then they gave me an IV and wheeled me into the delivery room around 10. The nurse left us alone and we started working through the contractions together.

This is the very detailed version of the story. If you want to get the watered down version, there are 2 videos at the end that we sent to our families after she was born.

In the beginning, I was having contractions so the doctor said not to start pitocin yet. Our nurse said, "I'm so glad she said not to start pitocin. Pitocin makes it hurt so bad." Then like 15 minutes later the same nurse came in and said it was time to start pitocin! I was so afraid because of what she had said. But they started me off on a very small dose (she said it was smaller than they normally give people) and they gradually increased it from there.

I started off in the bed, then sat on a birthing ball for a while and Mason fed me orange jello, which was delicious. He was amazing the entire time. Each time I had a contraction he would stand in front of me and I would wrap my arms around him and hold on to his belt loops until it was over. Then I threw up my frosted flakes I had eaten for breakfast in a trash can, and Mason got really mad that the nurses didn't come in when that happened. And then later the nurse brought in a rocking chair that was amazing. I tried standing up and leaning on the bed, but standing up put SO much pressure deep in my pelvis that I thought I would die, so I sat down most of the time.

When we first got to the hospital and they checked my cervix, I was at 2 cm and 90% effaced. Then after I had been in the delivery room having super painful contractions for about 3 hours (around 1 pm), they came in and checked me. The nurse said she could hear me through the walls and she offered me something for the pain. I said I thought I'd try to hold out a little longer. Then she checked me and said I was only at 2 1/2 cm, (and 100% effaced)! It was the worst news ever! I felt so defeated and like this was going to take FOREVER to dilate to a 10 and like I could not handle that. The nurse asked if there was anything she could do for me and I started sobbing and I said, "Isn't there something we can do to dilate faster?" She said not really, it would kind of just happen when it happened. But she was very sympathetic and kept telling me what an amazing job I was doing, which I really appreciated.

The whole time I was there, people kept saying how low the baby was. They were like, "You're only this dilated, but she's super low, and your cervix is super thin!"

Then more time went by, I bounced around on the birthing ball, then they checked and I was at a 4. The contractions were getting way worse, and the pitocin kept going up, and the nurses kept saying that my contractions were really close together and I wasn't getting much of a break in between them. The contractions got so bad I told Mason I thought I needed to try the nitrous oxide (which was my plan B. Plan A was to go all natural. And plan C was to get an epidural.) I called the nurse in, and it was a different one than the one who had been there the whole time. I told her I thought I was ready to try the nitrous oxide, and she told me she had her kids naturally and maybe I should try this other position, and that worked really well for a little bit! (I can't remember what the thing was that she suggested.) I am so glad she is the nurse that came in, because if it had been our normal nurse she would have just given me the nitrous. But this nurse told me I could do it, to just breathe and get as much oxygen in as I could, and to relax all the way down to my bottom each time a contraction came. She was a HUGE blessing!

Then after a while I got back in bed with the peanut ball. They checked me again and I had gone up to about 6 cm...  I was progressing much more quickly now! At this point I think I was in so much pain and so exhausted that my brain just stopped processing everything because I don't really remember much else that happened until the baby was born. So everything now is coming from Mason's memory. Here's what he said in the Marco Polo video we sent to our families:

"Bri was in the bed with the peanut ball between her legs, and every once in a while when she had a contraction the baby's heart rate would drop. So they were like, "uh, let's do something else!" And Bri says she didn't realize what was going on. I was watching the monitor and things, and I could hear them talking, but Bri was having contractions and so I was like AH. So they had her get on her hands and knees in the bed. They also gave her an oxygen mask. So she stayed like that for a little while and the baby's heart rate stopped dropping when she was having contractions, and they kept checking it.

"So she was doing all of that and they would check her every once in a while and they'd be like, "Oh, it's really moving along really fast!" So then we were getting there, and the nurse that had been with us all day was like, "Oh, she's almost ready to start pushing!" and the doctor lady that was there today was not in the room! She was with some other lady! And so all the nurses were whispering, "Ah I think she's ready to push but the doctor isn't here!" and Bri wasn't aware of any of it, because Bri was doing her thing, but I was like, AAAAAHH OH NO THE DUMB DOCTOR ISN'T COMING AND THIS IS GOING TO BE THE WORST." (Can I just say at this point, that Mason gave me no indication that he was freaking out! He just stood by the bed and every time I had a contraction I would say "Mason!" and feel really scared, but then he would give me his hand and I'd squeeze it and it would make me feel so much better. He was there for every single contraction.)

"So it went on like that for a long time, and then eventually Bri went back onto her side, and she had the peanut ball again, but everything was better by then, the baby's heart rate wasn't dropping. So by about 3, they were kind of like, "Oh, I think we're getting really close." That was when she was still on all fours. And then a little while later, the contractions were really strong, and they kept saying, "Do you feel like you need to push down? Do you feel like you need to push down?" But they just kept pushing back cuz the doctor wasn't getting there. Bri said she didn't feel like she didn't need to push down for a long time.

"So eventually the nurse that was there all day said, "Well, if you feel like you need to push down, then you can push down." and the other nurses were like, "Oh, okay, waaaah... this might happen without the doctor being here!" But then around 3:15 or 3:30 or something, the doctor finished what she was doing in the other room. But Bri had started pushing already, and so she got back down so she was laying on her back, and then a billion people came into the room! She started pushing when she was still on her side with the peanut ball, and she threw up again (more frosted flakes...) and the nurses were there and they gave her this cool little expandable cup thing to throw up in. I thought they were neat.

"Then what happened? Then you had a baby. Isn't that what happened Bri?

"Once everybody was in the room, they were like, "OKAY, PUSH!" and she would push and push and push and the head wasn't coming out. So she was pushing and she was screaming, because it hurt. And then there was this older Asian woman who was a nurse, and she said, "Don't holler when you're pushing. When you holler you don't push good. So hold your breath and push."

Okay here's one part I actually remember- I was pushing FOREVER and I still had on the oxygen mask, and I started to feel like she was never going to come out. Then Mason looked down there and ran back up to my side and said "Bri! I saw her head! She has hair!" and I said, "You saw it?!" And he said yes and I felt SO HAPPY and like we might actually have a baby soon. And I remember that asian lady too, telling me to quit hollering. She also kept saying, "Push like you need to have a bowel movement," in a robot voice over and over and over and it was sort of annoying but also sort of calming.

Anyway...

"Then after much pushing, and much laboring, the baby came out and she was just great! She kind of cried a little bit, but then she was just so happy. Once she was laying there she was just so happy. And she opened her eyes and she was looking around, and she's just a great baby. And she moves her hands a lot. When they were going to weigh her, she kicked her legs straight up into the air, and she's just a fun baby. And you probably already saw, but she was 15 pounds... no, 8 pounds 15 ounces... (Bri interjects--"SEVEN!") Oh, 7 pounds and 15 oz. 15.2 oz I think it was. I think she was 20 something inches long."

Also, they put her on my chest and she threw up a ton of green meconium and that was a little  freaky.

Having her be in the outside world with us was so surreal. I felt like I was dreaming for hours afterward. She was perfect in every way, and so incredibly beautiful, and totally healthy. We felt (and still feel) so blessed to have her be a part of our family!!!

Our first night in the hospital. This was the view from my bed.

The hospital gave Abigail a birthday cheesecake! She let us have it.

This is Allison, the best nurse on the planet. I cannot express how wonderful she is. Heavenly Father knew exactly who I needed to be my nurse, and I'm so grateful He sent her to me. She was so amazing!

Allison showing us how to bathe Abigail.

We've loved her from the start, and are loving having her at home. She's so great! We love you, Abby!

Here's the videos:

Part 1:

Part 2:

30 week update!

12 weeks. This was right before we told Mason's parents we were expecting! I think it's the first pregnancy picture I took.

18 weeks, about to go play tennis with Mason!

20 weeks. Baby's first beach trip! Also, note how I'm barely showing. The next two weeks were productive ones for my belly, as you'll see down below.

22 weeks

Showing off the 23 week bump at Time Out for Sistren

The bump, in all it's glory. (Actually this was at like 29.5 weeks, but it's close enough!)

Today marks 30 weeks of pregnancy for me! Overall, I feel like I've been pretty lucky with this little one: we've both been healthy and everything's been normal so far. Here's some of the awesome parts of this pregnancy:

• My tummy still doesn't itch or have stretch marks (at least, that I've noticed)
• I haven't really thrown up at all
• I haven't had to buy any maternity shirts or dresses, thanks to Jenna and Megan letting me borrow a ton of their maternity clothes! 
• My feet and ankles have only swollen up a handful of times, which is so nice. 
• My hair is thick and luscious! For the first time in my life! I wish it could stay this way forever!
• I feel more motivated to eat vegetables so the little one can get her nutrients, but I ALSO don't feel guilty when I eat ice cream, because I figure maybe it's just a craving thing those people always talk about. Plus, it makes her do flips and it's fun to feel! 
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I feel her kicking all the time! Sometimes it is so crazy I wonder if she's trying to tell me something, but I think she's just a wiggle worm! It is so fun when Mason feels her. One time he laid his head on my tummy and she immediately kicked him right in the temple! It was hilarious. We both like to watch my belly move as she does her calisthenics. Now that I'm bigger, we are both starting to get more and more excited to become parents. 

As far as the not so great parts of pregnancy:

• There were a few weeks where my hips and back would kill me every night when I was trying to sleep. Luckily the back pain was only for a couple weeks, although the hip aching has stuck around for quite a while. 
• I get out of breath fairly easily and feel like I am the most out of shape I have ever been in my life. 
• Body image is an on and off struggle. I keep telling myself no one else notices the things I do, and that makes it a little better. (Although, sometimes I love the way I look with this bump!)
• In the night, I normally wake up around 3 no matter when I go to sleep, and I feel wide awake and it's nearly impossible to go back to sleep. Usually I take a long morning nap after Mason leaves for school. 
• My gag reflex when brushing my teeth is INSANE
• My fingernails grow at a rate of about 1 millimeter per second. I have to cut them ALL THE TIME.
• My fingers got too big for my wedding ring at like 25 weeks. I miss wearing my rings!
• It's getting REALLY hard to roll over in bed.
• Hormones. The biggest challenge for me the past 30 weeks. I have crazy mood swings and find it hard to let things go. Poor Mason. 

See? It really hasn't been that bad. Also, two of my dear friends in our new ward offered to throw me baby showers! They're going to throw me one together. Right now it looks like it will be on January 18. I'm excited. Time to get cracking on our registry!

Also, I can't finish this blog post without mentioning that today, Thursday, December 5, 2019, my sister Megan had her baby!!!!! She did great and they are both healthy and her little angel is SOOOO CUTE and I think she looks just like her older brother and sister. When Megan showed her to us on the Marco Polo today it was kind of a shock to me that she was so REAL. Meg was prego just like me for so long, and then all of a sudden there was a real baby! That means there's a real baby inside me too! And she's due to come out in 70 days! I have so much to do! I'm so excited! And nervous! And every other emotion! Pray for us!

Oh Baby!

It's the truth, I'm pregnant! I am 19 weeks along today, and the baby is the size of an heirloom tomato. Due February 13, 2020.

I took a pregnancy test when I was a day late, and saw the second line appear really quickly, and really clearly! It was so fun. Mason was at school, so when I went to pick him up I said, "Want to see something I discovered when I was cleaning our house today?" And then I showed him this picture:

To say he was surprised would be the understatement of the century! I think he went into shock. It took us both a while to get used to the idea of me actually being pregnant!

I told mom when I was about 8 weeks along, I think, and it was so fun. We both cried.

We decided to tell Mason's parents on our last trip down to Las Vegas, when I was 12 weeks. 

We gave this card to his Dad as a late birthday present, but told Mason's parents it was for both of them. We included a lime in the gift bag.

 I have never seen them so excited! Michelle screamed and got up and danced around and hugged us both. It was so fun to tell them! They were very surprised, and started to brainstorm what they want to be called as grandparents. They are cute.

Then I called Dad and told him the next day.

We announced it to our families with this text:

 And everyone was so excited!

Here's a picture (taken right after supper) of the bump that is finally beginning to emerge:

Then we had our first ultrasound! It was fun seeing what everyone's guesses were. I think the total ended up being 17 guessing girl and 11 guessing boy. I told Mason if he didn't guess, he couldn't come with me to the ultrasound, so he just picked boy. I did too (even though I had 2 seperate dreams that we had a girl.) We were wrong! It's a girl! It was amazing to see her inside me! We saw all of her bones, and the valves of her heart, and the lady said she must have peed at some point because in the beginning her bladder was full, and a few minutes later it was empty! Crazy! We saw her brain, her tiny feet, her legs crossed at the ankles, and her mouth opening and closing. We also saw her shaking her booty around a LOT. It will be fun to have her as my little zumba partner some day!!! Her face was sort of buried in my right hip area, and we didn't get to see it, so the ultrasound lady told the doctor we need another ultrasound in 4 weeks because of "sub-optimal face viewing" or something. I am not complaining about that!

We announced it to the world a few days ago with this announcement:

And have received a lot of love and support and encouraging words already! 

Today we started talking about names, and that is really fun. I love thinking about what we'll name her! We aren't going to tell until she's born, so stay tuned for that!

So, how has the pregnancy been?

Overall, great. The only time I've thrown up this pregnancy was when I was brushing my teeth one day when I was like 15 weeks along. My gag reflex has been really easily triggered when brushing. 

I was extremely tired my first trimester, and still don't feel like I'm up to my full energy capacity most days, but it's better now than it was then. 

The biggest challenge has been mental. It took me a long time to get what little of a bump I have, and I had some body image issues for a few weeks where I just felt super fat. But now it's starting to poke out a little more and I think I may actually look pregnant some day, so that's encouraging! 

In addition to the body image issues, my hormones have made me soooo moody. I have gone through a weepy phase, and a phase where the littlest things make me super angry. Hopefully that will wear off as I get further and further along. I asked Megan if that was normal, and she said yes, it's like a never ending PMS week, but that it will get better.

I started feeling her move at about 18 weeks. Everyone said it would feel like flutters, but it has never really felt like flutters. It feels like a distinct pushing from the inside. Like little feet and fists are pushing into me. It is crazy and amazing and I can't wait for Mason to be able to put his hand on my belly and feel it too!

I have also been feeling so grateful for this opportunity. It's amazing that I'm growing a little person. It still hasn't sunk in all the way, but it seems more real as the weeks go by. I feel really blessed to be a woman, and to be able to carry a child, and to one day be a parent together with the man I love. It almost seems too good to be true! It just feels like an amazing miracle and I feel so humbled to have this opportunity.

I so look forward to meeting our little one!